Note: This was a satirical post for April Fool’s Day.
Sen. Kevin Ranker, long-time environmental advocate, proclaimed his deep love and commitment to the Puget Sound at a fundraiser in Bow, WA yesterday. Ranker and the Puget Sound had been engaged in a long-term and committed relationship ever since a mutual friend, Washington Conservation Voters, introduced them to each other a few years ago.
Since then, Ranker has been courting the Sound by sending the expansive body of water a series of legislative proposals designed to keep it safe from harm and sheltered from pollution. Friends of the Puget Sound say that at first, it was flattered by all the attention. “I just didn’t know what to say,” said the Puget Sound, “I’m used to having my picture taken now and again but never so many kind words and actions on my behalf. I guess I was just flattered at first.”
Their relationship had been on the rocks recently after Republicans took over the State Senate and Ranker was forced to spend most of his time at work, away from the inlet of his dreams. However, they have managed to regain some balance in the recent months.
Ranker proposed marriage in front of over fifty guests at a fundraiser yesterday. Puget Sound would have accepted were it not for a recent law, drafted by Sen. Doug Ericksen, which outlawed water/human marriage. His efforts were met with resistance by the State House but Ericksen managed to keep his bill from being, “watered down”.
Ranker says that his love for the Puget Sound is undiminished by this recent setback. “I will always love, protect and support the Puget Sound, whatever our legal status.”