Posted by: sweeneyblog | April 1, 2015

Sen. Kevin Ranker Proposes Marriage to the Puget Sound

Note: This was a satirical post for April Fool’s Day. 

Sen. Kevin Ranker, long-time environmental advocate, proclaimed his deep love and commitment to the Puget Sound at a fundraiser in Bow, WA yesterday. Ranker and the Puget Sound had been engaged in a long-term and committed relationship ever since a mutual friend, Washington Conservation Voters, introduced them to each other a few years ago.

The happy couple pictured together

The happy couple pictured together

Since then, Ranker has been courting the Sound by sending the expansive body of water a series of legislative proposals designed to keep it safe from harm and sheltered from pollution. Friends of the Puget Sound say that at first, it was flattered by all the attention. “I just didn’t know what to say,” said the Puget Sound, “I’m used to having my picture taken now and again but never so many kind words and actions on my behalf. I guess I was just flattered at first.”

Their relationship had been on the rocks recently after Republicans took over the State Senate and Ranker was forced to spend most of his time at work, away from the inlet of his dreams. However, they have managed to regain some balance in the recent months.

Ranker proposed marriage in front of over fifty guests at a fundraiser yesterday. Puget Sound would have accepted were it not for a recent law, drafted by Sen. Doug Ericksen, which outlawed water/human marriage. His efforts were met with resistance by the State House but Ericksen managed to keep his bill from being, “watered down”.

Ranker says that his love for the Puget Sound is undiminished by this recent setback. “I will always love, protect and support the Puget Sound, whatever our legal status.”

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Responses

  1. Nice look on the new site!!!

  2. Is Senator Ranker’s “job” in the Senate over because he held a fund raiser during the session or will Senator Bruce Erickson (R-40) Ferndale “look the other way.”

  3. New site is an improvement. Or maybe just refreshing. If you are the Buzzfeed of Whatcom County, then we at the Herald better start looking over our shoulders…

  4. this was done in response to opposition taunts of “if you love Puget Sound so much, why don’t you just marry it?”

  5. I hope this is not another of those spoofs that people have been playing on me all day long.

    Ditto on the nice new look.

  6. Colbert is gone,
    Stewart is leaving,
    Mort Sahl doesn’t come around much anymore
    and Lenny Bruce is dead.
    If not for Alan Rhodes and Riley, affordable satire might be dead
    in Whatcom county.
    Well, we still have the Luanne, Vincent and Elfo Show,
    but that’s more tragic than funny.


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