Note: This was a satirical post for April Fool’s Day.
We have this shocking scoop about Pete Kremen’s mustache and it’s plans for retirement. After serving many long years as a defining feature on Kremen’s face, the Mustache, or “Bristle McFillister” as he is known to his friends, has some big plans for the coming year. The Political Junkie, as the official Buzzfeed of Whatcom County, was able to score an exclusive interview with the Mustache.
Pete Kremen’s Mustache is eager to tackle the world-wide challenge of climate change. However, he is a little less clear on the details of such a plan. He knows it involves fighting, and polar bears and something about carbon but he will work it out I’m sure.
2. Host a Community Radio Program
With 102.3 KMRE FM and 94.9 KVWV FM both launching community radio efforts, Pete Kremen’s Mustache is looking to anchor his own radio show on the importance of good mustache maintenance. It is an unconfirmed rumor that the mere sound of this mustache’s voice caused a microphone to turn into solid gold.
3. Purchase a Diamond Mine or Season Tickets to the Opera
The Mustache is a little less clear about this particular plan but he seems to be interested in becoming an english dandy. Rumor has it that Barbara Brenner once mentioned something about “respectable people like Opera” but it might have been “respectable people like Oprah and oh by the way, have I mentioned this funny thing that my dogs did and isn’t it unusual that we haven’t once set up an arm-wrestling contest between our district court judges and shouldn’t someone be accountable to the people for this sort of thing?!” Either way, this mustache wants some class.
4. Participate in the Ski to Sea race with the Old Spice Guy
After years of observing, Pete Kremen’s mustache is ready to get off the bench and start competing. He has formed a team with the Old Spice spokesmen and together they are going for the win.
Stay tuned for more VITAL and IMPORTANT stories today from The Political Junkie, the Buzzfeed of Whatcom County.