Posted by: sweeneyblog | October 20, 2007

Your Guide to the Republican Primaries

Okay, so why are you, Riley, profiling the republicans? Don’t you despise and loathe them all? Well, no. I think some are downright terrifying, yes, but alot (okay, some) of my friends are republicans and I would rather they support a candidate on the basis of issues. So here is my take on the republicans and their platforms.
(By the way, still going with the pointing thing).

Rudy Giuliani

Mayor of New York for Nine years, during 9/11. On Wife #3. Most likely to remind you of Joe Pesci on a good day.

Platform

  • Cut Taxes for everyone. Seriously.
  • Keep Troops in Iraq “till the job is done”, no withdrawal
  • Pro-Choice, but will appoint pro-life judges to the supreme court.
  • Pro-Civil Unions with full benefits.
  • For Wiretapping of Americans, Torture to fight terror and expanding Guantanamo Bay
  • For charter schools, with vouchers for everyone to take money from the public school system and put it towards the private school of their choice

Pros: Alright, Rudy has got the whole “hero of 9/11” going for him. He’s got great fundraising and hey, a social moderate would be a nice change from Bush. His approach to everything is kindof “kick in the teeth, beat the shit out of it” whether it is Crime, Terrorism, or disruptive teacher unions.

Cons You know that whole beat the shit of people thing? This guy is pretty authoritarian. His approach to government is “Daddy knows best” so don’t worry about what we are doing. Plus, everyone he appoints is corrupt. His police chief? A mafia guy. His campaign head in South Carolina? A crackhead. His replacement? A racist. Furthermore, Giuliani skipped out on the 9/11 commission so he could go fundraise. Pretty slimy. My final thing is kindof a personal issue. He was a dick to his second wife. If you are going to divorce someone, tell them in person, not by parading your mistress through town in the Macy’s parade and then announcing it to her in a press conference. Jeez, dude. Have some class. Okay, done with the personal stuff. On to . . .


Mitt Romney
Former Governor of Massachusetts, a devout Mormon, ran against Ted Kennedy for Senate and lost. Managed the 2002 Olympics in Salt Lake City. VERY successful businessman.

Platform

  • Believes that America has become “impure” with Pornography, Hollywood, and Abortions. Was pro-choice in Mass., now pro-life.
  • Keep the troops in Iraq and if need by invade Iran to fight “radical Jihadist”
  • Cut taxes
  • Double the size of Guantanamo Bay, torture suspects to fight terror
  • Was pro-civil unions while governor of Mass., now anti civil unions.
  • Against Stem Cell Research
  • For drilling for oil in the Alaska reserve to wean us off Middle-Eastern oil.

Pros: Smart, smart man. His main strength is his business skills, taking a rundown in the gutter operation (i.e. our administration) and making it profitable again. He is quite articulate and looks great on tv.

Cons: Okay, first off, the evengelicals are ripping him to shreds over the fact that he is Mormon. I’m not worried about that, my best friend is Mormon and he doesn’t eat babies. However, I’m worried about how shifty this guy is. When running in mass. he was pro-choice, pro-gay marriage, pro-stem cell research. Now he has, well to use a term from another Mass. politician, he has flip-flopped. He comes off a little like a used car salesman.


John McCain
Senator from Arizona, Candidate in 2000, Former POV in the Vietnam war. Frequent Guest on the Daily Show. Much older than he looks (71 yrs old).
Platform

  • The “Surge” in Iraq (where we suddenly send over a ton more guys) was his idea. He believes whole-heartedly in fighting this “to the bitter end”
  • Pro-life, Anti-Gay Marriage, Anti-Stem Cell
  • Wrote one of the original Campaign Finance reform bills, now takes lobbiest dollars hand over fist. You decide.
  • Big on fighting Global Warming. Joined with Al Gore in condemning Bush for not doing enough to fight Global Warming.
  • Was against torture, with good reason (see above) until Cheney brought him in for a secret meeting at the White House. Then he came out for legalizing torture of terror suspects.
  • In favor of immigrant guest worker visas to make it easier for mexicans that are just working in America to pay taxes and become citizens without getting criminalized.
  • In favor of wiretapping.

Pros: He used to be this great moderate with a strong military background, fiscally conservative and generally rather rebellious towards conventional authority. Plus, he is funny. He is the only Republican candidate that will crack jokes about himself and have it not be awkward.

Cons: Can’t raise any money, is getting pummeled in the polls. Ron Paul is doing better these days than McCain. Moreover, whatever rebel spirit he had in 2000, it has all been beaten out of him. Now he is straightline white house stooge. Plus he caved on torture. Seriously dude, you have actually been tortured, and you want to turn around and make it legal?

Okay, I will do Fred Thompson and Ron Paul next time. Until then, CIAO!

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